Sounds much like the cliche' living to eat or eat to live right?
What I've thought about is more towards how I seem to have lost the hope and the will to live.
I haven't really lived a normal life. My parents dysfunction was deep. It was so deep that you would ask the proverbial question if you were their biological child or adopted. The only answer you would get for yourself was the genetic features you inherited. But on the emotional and psychological level, if you didn't have mental fortitude, you would end up the same as them as an adult.
What I've noticed is how disconnected people are now in an age where they're supposed to be more connected because of social media platforms. When Facebook was gaining ground in 2008, I was fascinated by what it offered - the ability to connect with friends and family you've lost touch with, for one reason or another.
I didn't see how social media and being connected would give rise to a host of problems and issues, social, emotional and psychological. Social media opened up a torrent of what if's among those who had history and the means to resolve questions about what could've been between individuals who had a connection before but lost it for whatever reason. There are horror stories about families breaking up as people decided to take the less-chosen path.
What really bothers me is how people have become apathetic. The sense of community is gone. At least the genuine sense of community. Today, it's about more about utility than compassion for one's friend or plain fellowman.
It's all about the success stories of winners. There is no mention of those who aren't as fortunate and are struggling. The attitude is more life is what you make of it and tough luck if yours didn't turn out to be as good as ours.
Long story short, what I'm questioning is the meaning of life. Who determines who lives or who dies? Who determines who lives a good life or who lives a bad one? What is the be all and end all of our existence?
Social media made it easier to compare our lives to others. This makes you wonder. Those who weren't likely to be successful are while those most likely to be successful either are or may be in between or outright down and out on their luck.
At the onset of the pandemic, when uncertainty ruled, I saw a lot of people experiencing "epiphany's" about their existence. But now, as things return to "normal," the opposite is true again. Recidivism is the norm.
In the past three years, three friends have gone ahead of me. Both had family's and were living life well. One was a grandfather once over and was expecting his second grandchild, with another one on the way from his newly-married son. All of a sudden he was gone because of Covid. This was in 2020. He had his life ahead of him. His extended family, including his mother, brothers and sister were finally all in Los Angeles. They finally completed the move from the Philippines to the US and then all of a sudden, he was gone.
In 2019, a childhood friend who also had a lot of demons like me, passed away suddenly. I didn't even know he was back until his brother sent me a message to tell me he had died. He was an architect who moved to Singapore in the 90s. He was estranged from his wife but had communication with his daughter. He wasn't on good terms with his older brother and younger sister but he moved back in to their ancestral house in the province.
Apparently, he had this tumor on his neck which he had put off treatment for since he really wasn't fond of doctors. Unfortunately, his father's side of the family has a history of heart problems. He died of a heart attack in his sleep.
This year, it was another friend who was very paranoid about Covid which was why he took extra precautions. He was a very good friend who didn't look at you if you had money or not. Aside from his family, he was also taking care of his mother and sisters because he was the only son. I was shocked when his sister posted on Facebook that he died. It was because of a heart attack and not the Covid he dreaded but there was nothing wrong with him prior to his death. His eldest was going to start college next year.
I've known for the past 16 years who my real friends are. This was before the advent of social media and was the lowest point in my life when everything I worked hard for since the age of 22 went pfft because of the unscrupulous business partners. At the age of 40, most everything was gone and it was back to zero.
The fear of not knowing where you're going to start from again and being a pariah because you've been labeled a failure hit very hard and put me in a very dark place. It didn't help that I fell prey to a malignant narcissist and thought of her as the only one who genuinely cared for me.
It took me three years to climb out of that dark place. A kind soul who was also troubled, helped me a lot. Unfortunately, our respective journey's weren't destined for us to end up together. Both of us weren't done with our issues yet. It was only after undergoing an extensive period of introspection from 2012 - 2013 that I was finally able to put everything together. But not all the questions had been answered in the process.
The lingering question was, in the grand scheme of things, who actually calls the shots? Who decides who lives or dies?
When the government decided to implement the lockdown in March 2020, it came to me that this might be the beginning of the end times. My attitude was I was living a borrowed life and I will leave it to whoever decides who lives and who dies. Two years since and I haven't been infected by Covid. But now the mindset is different again. The fear of dying has been extinguished. Existential crises have been resolved and the old ways are back even if the pandemic is still on.
I thought I had raised my mental fortitude to the point that it couldn't weaken anymore but it appears I have misjudged myself. My experience last year with my mother's death spiral exposed my weakness when it comes to trusting what the universe has planned. Apparently, I'm going through another one now, which is about the same time the crisis last year began.
The only rational explanation I for my confusion now is losing hope. Even if I made the shift to become pragmatic and skeptical in 2013, deep down inside of me, the natural empath didn't die. But where is the hope now when you look at the world and see what's happening. There's a war in Europe. American hegemony, military and economic, is driving prices up around the world. The US continues to provoke China, which it sees as a rival, just because it is rising as a military and economic power.
As far as the Philippines is concerned, I've seen it all from the time Marcos was ousted up to the time now we have another Marcos as President. Marcos Jr. hasn't lived up to expectations. His pro-US stance puts the country right smack in the middle between the US and China should a shooting war break out between the two over Taiwan.
In the meantime, we have the some of the rich who are still out for validation cavorting on TikTok. Gen Z and the millennials are all caught up on existential issues and are bereft of mental and moral fortitude. Their value system is all screwed up. What's worst is they're not intellectually-capable either. They're more concerned with the trivial rather than the profound. Everything has to be politically-correct with them.
The rise of feminism has also castrated the concept of manhood, giving rise to the manlets, who are growing in number in society. If it weren't for the fact that the masses still outnumber the liberal wokes, our population growth would be on the decline because the AB demographic aren't having that many children nor are they following the usual pattern of starting a family before the age of 30.
I can go on and on about what's wrong with the younger generation but that wouldn't do any good. They're fighting their own battles as well. It's just harded to explain to them how life, even if it's a struggle, must be lived.
Googling an image for this blog post today led me to another blog on Medium which captures the essence of what I'm writing about today.
"Choosing to have a life “in spite” of what you have been dealt is survival. Living a life because of what you have endured, is living. Using the knowledge of the lessons you have learned from surviving to better your life, is what quality living is all about."
That's the quote. It's not the fear of dying or dying alone that I have issues with. It's probably about losing hope in light of what's going on. I recall what my professor in my Philosophy elective class saying that humans regress as they get older. I argued that it was the opposite that we actually get wiser as we grow in wisdom. Was I ever wrong about that one.
Physically we regress. Intellectually, it depends on the individual. I think the same is true with life experiences. We either grow stronger or surrender and die.
What's certain is not all the money in the world can save us from death. Not all the money in the world can also help us find or make us truly happy. Life is a struggle for most everyone, maybe. The world could definitely be a better place if we were all kinder and gentler to one another but that's not the case and I don't think will ever be.
Leave it to Danny Javier to come with Lahat Tayo'y Mamatay. After all these years, that about sums up the wisdom I learned about life.
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